Tuesday, January 12, 2010

My Bathroom Chatter (BC) story

I was taking a moment before class to catch up on my friends and their blogs when I ran into Jason's blog about bathroom chatter (very good post by the way although I am somewhat intrigued by his claim to having a 'skillful tongue' and wonder where he has been practicing that since moving to Missouri but I will leave that for another post) and realized that I had mentioned on facebook an experience I recently had with Bathroom Chatter and decided that for those of you who have NOT heard this story now would be a great time to tell it.

Several weeks ago I was returning to Blanding after the first of several trips to the north country during my December break from school and needed to stop in Moab to get gas. Sure I had enough gas to get home but one learns quickly that it is in one's best interest to gas up anyplace but Blanding because the 'cartel' keeps gas prices in Blanding 20- 50 cents a gallon higher than the rest of the free world, but that is a blog for another day also. Anyways, I pulled into the one place I feel comfortable in that bug (no offense intended to actual members of the bug species as I am not referring to that type of bug here) infested gut pile (hunting term) of a town. I have always stopped there and have always been quite pleased with the nice people I've encountered there as opposed to those I encounter IN Moab. I topped off my tank and then went inside to.... use the little boy's room in order to make the last hour of my trip a little more comfortable. I opened the bathroom door to realize that it was full and I needed to wait outside so I backed out and closed the door when I was confronted with a particularly fairy-esque voice saying " Is it full? Don't they know I've been holding it since Provo?" Not wanting to judge the voice I slowly turned and noticed that indeed his attire and posture fit his voice to a 't' but not wanting to be rude I decided to reply that I had been 'holding it' since Salt Lake. That started a dialogue in the hallway that I was pretty sure would end once we entered the bathroom. All men know that talking in the bathroom is strictly prohibited (especially with strangers) and that for the most part we want to just enjoy our time in this peaceful place.

As coincidence would have it both occupants of the bathroom came out at the same time and allowed us to enter. I quickly made my way past the lone urinal and into the sanctuary of the only stall (with locking door) in the bathroom. I was safe at last! WAIT, WHAT? He continues to talk to me over the stall! I'm a little freaked out and limit my responses to short, concise and very fragmented sentences in hopes to squelch his desire to talk to me but to no avail. He finished up first and washed his hands and while he dried his hands while I washed mine. That bathroom is an absolute DEATH TRAP for people in my position because if a man is washing his hands nobody else can enter or exit the bathroom. Due to this terrible design flaw my unwilling conversation continued with him standing directly behind me and me washing my hands while standing sideways and keeping at least one eye on the man at all times. Finally I was certain that my hands were clean, or at least clean enough, and turned to take some paper towel and that's when it happened.....

He puts his hand on my shoulder blade and as he very gently slides (rubs if you ask me) it off my back and half way down my humerus (Yes Kendra I DO know anatomy just not while playing Taboo) while giving me a disturbingly salacious look and says, "drive safe and don't go tail piping me." Then he left. I was in shock.... this had REALLY just happened to me!? I looked in the mirror and stared at myself for a moment. Then, with head drooping quite low I left the store, got in my car, and, being quite careful to not do anything that he might consider tail piping, I drove home as quickly as possible.

The moral of the story: 1- Moab is not a safe place, 2- Bathroom Chatter is WRONG, and 3- apparently one must be careful whom he/she speaks with while waiting for the toilet.

5 comments:

Kendra said...

haha first of all i love that you describe his voice as "fairy-esque" haha which really means has a lisp according to you. also i never get sick of hearing this story. it is all too good! and you are an excellent writer. this story is hilarious. thank you for sharing this glorious story to the world.

Megs said...

oh man, this made me giggle. That is really funny. It's got to happen to you once in a while though, right? I had a friend who was going to massage school, and she'd always rub my back. Only to move away and find out that she DOES swing that way... it was quite the unnerving experience.

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Anonymous said...

This is the best thing that I've read in ages! I love it!!!

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