The Results of the 'Game'

It has many names, 'the game', 'the scene', 'the meat market' just to name a few. We are all forced to participate albeit sometimes unwillingly. Why do we play? Its the natural thing to want to be loved, wanted, appreciated. As a result of this natural desire we all have infused into our DNA we subject ourselves to this 'game'. Quite frankly I hate the game. Even as I sit and write this blog I tell myself I'm through playing and ready to just sit it out on the sideline. Those of you who know me know that I am, by nature, an overly competitive human being so why would I accept defeat? I'll explain.

An analogy from the ranch comes to mind. When you are walking through the Corral you cant make it from one side to the other without getting some poop on your feet. That's how the dating game is. Every time you put yourself on the line and offer your heart or feelings to someone you are in essence walking through the Corral. For those of you that have never had the experience of then getting your heart taken from your shirt sleeve and broken (whether innocently or maliciously) you are very new to the game. For the rest of us we have experienced getting our 'feet covered in poop' so to speak. Each time we learn to walk a little more carefully and take care to maybe not offer our heart as easily. Sometimes you may even fall head over heels into a pile of crap and sometimes you get up only to fall in it again, and again. I must say that this is what the last 3 years of my life have been. Regardless of the persona I give to my peers, in reality I hate being alone. This has caused me to fall into the manure pile more than once and as a result I have changed my game plan.

The fact that I am admitting my battle wounds on my blog is very scary to me. However, I've screwed up enough recently (tonight even) to realize that I'm done pretending. I have developed a severe problem anytime I'm faced with putting my heart on my sleeve. It seems that whenever I give my emotions to anyone my self confidence goes away also. No matter how bad i want to hang out with the person or even take her out I refuse myself from doing it because I don't think she'll really want to. Girls have a habit of doing sometimes saying YES because they don't want to be mean. Its not mean to tell a guy NO if you don't want to do something with him. TRY IT! So to avoid putting her in the situation of doing something she may not want to do I just refuse myself the pleasure of spending time with her. Some of you may have even experienced this first hand from me. We are friends and we spend time together and everything is cool until we realize we may like each other.... then, i distance myself and do stupid things and assume things and presume things and put words in your mouth that you never thought of saying.... it then causes drama and things unravel before they can start to build.... as a result I've lost out on a fair number of amazing people in my life and continue to do so.... I dare guess I'm not the only one that has scars from the game.... So what do those of us need that have built significant barriers around us that set us up to fail in any relationship? We need someone (of the opposite sex) that has mutual feelings for us to help us out. I dare guess that anyone that has the same problem i do hates it just as much as I do. However, we cant overcome it alone. If we don't have someone that is patient, and understanding to help us through it we'll just continue to fall in the manure piles and building thicker and taller walls around our hearts. Its not fun. Its very lonely. So if you find yourself on one side of this or the other TALK ABOUT IT. Girls, guys don't want your sympathy. That is the LAST thing they want. They want to trust you and they want to open up to you. They want a friendship that can turn into more but they cant have that if you manipulate them or 'play mind games'.

As for me, I'm ready to work on my problem and get through it.... now if she'd just forgive me and realize I am the guy she knew when we wer just friends we could work through it and find something amazing. If not? Then hopefully someone someday will have what it takes to help me through the piles of manure I've accumulated around me from playing this STUPID GAME!